just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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