I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
