Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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