But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize