I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
