She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
