She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
