I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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