Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
