I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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