dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize