i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
