There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize