and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
