I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
