She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
