Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Randomize