You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
