ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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