Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
People in love make me want to vomit
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
