May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
