I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
