My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
