Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
