we have pet lesbian snakes
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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