What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
