true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
