The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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