I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
