I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
