I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
