I wish life had little blips of pornography
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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