I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
