You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My vagina just recognized that song.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
