The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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