Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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