Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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