guys are not supposed to queef...right?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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