I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
