i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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