Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
