Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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