I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize