hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
