Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
