I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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