You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
