ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
