I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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