i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
