Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
