it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
