there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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