im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
