I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize