I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
