Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
