Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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