im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
