I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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