at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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