i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
