Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
