For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I would ride that face into the sunset
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
