dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
