You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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