$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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