it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
