I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
