Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
